Okay here is the new draft of the poem I posted last week. I worked all week on it, but I'm still not satisfied with it. The more I change in the poem, the more I find things wrong with it. I guessing that is the self-critic in me. Once again I would love to hear any feedback and suggestions, and I would also like to hear what you think about it.
The Clouds
Whip Cream topping
For a child's imagination
A migration of untouchable possibilities.
They glide through each emotion,
Angrily choking the sun of its radiance,
Crying tears with the drum beat of life,
And smiling with the warmth of coffee
On a day of subzero weather.
Captivating cotton candy
Colored curtains that protect
The view of our world
From the unknown.
Girlie, this is So much better!! The starting line is perfect... Whip Cream topping for a child's imagination.. What a beautiful picture! All of this is a great mental image. Great tweaking...
ReplyDeleteNow go back in and replace each abstraction with a concrete noun. You're relying too heavily on the invisible: imagination, migration, possibilities, emotion, radiance, life, beat, warmth, world, unknown. Way too many abstractions for a short piece. Go back and look at how Raine's Martian accomplishes this.
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