This is an improvisation on defamiliarization. Here is the new revision of my piece: (I would love some feedback!)
The Clouds
Whip cream topping
For a child's purple elephants and talking toys,
A migration of over-boiled egg puss.
Angrily chocking the sun of its peach glory,
Crying tears with the drum beat that grows green,
And smiling with the tongue burning taste of coffee
On a day of subzero weather.
The cotton candy
Colored curtains of dusk.
“The migration of over boiled egg-puss” is definitely a line that stuck out in my mind. This would be a good place for an enjambment after of.
ReplyDeleteThe migration of
Over boiled egg-puss.
Putting an enjambment would make the reader pause on migration for a moment, this pause would add to the surprise and impact of the next line “over boiled egg-puss”. I enjoy the contrast of images that the text uses to describe the clouds. Each description takes me to a different time of day, and a different season. Also the final lines definitely had the “apple blossom toilet water” effect.
Points of improvement: In the text be careful of the tone thermometer. For example what would it sound like if line 4 just read as “Chocking the sun of its peach glory”. Also in line 5 consider taking out the word tears, since it can be implied by the verb crying.